View of the Empire State Building from outside my work.

There’s an art to walking in Manhattan….and I’m still not a very good artist.

In LA, the few times you have to walk somewhere (your car is at the shop or someone is forcing you at gunpoint) you don’t have much to think about. Just throw on your flip flops, keep thinking LA thoughts like yoga, juicing or the Kardashians and head out the door to your destination (which is probably Trader Joe’s or an emergency brunch).

Before you even leave the house in NYC, you have to have a game plan.

Check the weather, what’s the high for today? Then, you bring the appropriate layers to accommodate said temperature.

If it’s going to rain, you have several things to consider. Umbrella goes in your messenger bag. Appropriate water-proof shoes for walking long distances in the rain are worn. Dark colored clothing preferred so you don’t look like a walking wet t-shirt contest after a few blocks.

I figured this out the hard way. By the time I got to work, my khaki pants look like I peed myself a hundred times over. I garnered more than a few “what the hell?” stares.

When you stroll down the street (FYI, New Yorkers don’t stroll) you develop a natural rhythm that adjusts to the people surrounding you.

IF you’re driving in a car, you get in line behind all the other idiots or decide to drive in another lane. Those are your two options unless you’re in a homicidal mood.

In NYC, when you’re walking alongside dozens of other folks, you inevitably come across people that walk the exact same pace as you.

What to do??

Continue to walk alongside complete strangers?? Not on my watch.

One of you must decide to slow down or speed up…and decide fast! There are precious moments of awkwardness at stake.

If the other person is on their cell phone or deep in thought, you must make the decision for the both of you.

Even if this means you must walk like a freaky, speedy, mall-walker for a few moments until you’re in the clear. It will have been worth it.

Ok, disaster diverted!

If it’s raining out, walking becomes like a video game.

Not only do you have to hold the umbrella, constantly adjusting your grip to whichever way the wind decides to blow (this tires out the wrist very easily) but you must adjust the height of it depending on the size/shape of the imbecile coming at you.

If a slightly shorter person approaches, you lift your umbrella up ever so much. If two people of the same height approach, you both tip your umbrella slightly to the opposite side.

All while never breaking your stride or slowing the flow of traffic. Keep in mind, you’re also dodging mountains of sidewalk trash, dog poop smears covering every other inch of sidewalk (there is no actual grass for the poor doggies to crap on) and those mini guard rails protecting every single tree from being crapped on. Those are fun to accidentally walk into.

By the way, the average pace for a New Yorker is something I like to describe as “City Under Attack”. No, they’re not desperately trying to escape some kind of 100 foot tidal wave, they’re just trying to get to work.

And you’re in their way.

MY WEEK IN IPHONE PICTURES:

That’s a bird in the top left corner. Trying to kill me.

Tulips in bloom or whatever

A subtle, pretty way of saying your dog is not wanted here.

Cream cheese stuffed bagel bites in the West Village

Sardi’s Frozen Cake

After Sardi’s we were able to snag front row seats to Avenue Q. Photos are NOT permitted. My glass of wine took the pic, I couldn’t stop her!

Dessert at One if by Land, Two if by Sea

French Toast at The Park.

Brooklyn pizza at Best Pizza

Let’s be a tourist for a day = we have time to kill before our dinner reservation. Last weekend for ice skating at the Rockefeller Center