CRISPY TAQUITOS served with spicy aji panca sauce and fresh lime
YELLOWTAIL* avocado and roasted corn miso 6.5/each
minimum 2 per order

When you walk by Sushi Samba, you assume it’s going to be the worst sushi place ever. A place for drinks maybe, but not food.

You would be wrong!

The food was fantastic.

Sure, this is a chain restaurant but don’t hold that against it. The drinks are dope (just kidding, I don’t say dope. They’re sick. I also don’t say sick) the outdoor seating is so nice (especially the 2nd floor) and the food, while a bit pricey, is so so tasty.

Especially those yellowtail taquitos…which are really tacos, not taquitos but whatevs.

I also don’t say whatevs.

87 7th Ave S
New York, NY 10014
b/t Grove St & S 7 Ave
West Village
(212) 691-7885
sushisamba.com

PLANTAIN PUNCH*
Rum, plantain purée and aromatized wine shaken with egg white, banana, cacao and a coffee infusion. Served on the rocks. 15
CAIPIRINHA
The national drink of Brazil made with cachaça and churned with lime and sugar. Served short. 12

Anticuchos – RIBEYE aji panca and peruvian corn 14

WAGYU GYOZA kabocha purée and su-shoyu dipping sauce 16

Samba Rolls:
EZO soy-marinated salmon, asparagus, red onion, chive, sesame, tempura flake, wasabi mayonnaise, soy paper 14
HAMAPEÑO yellowtail, shrimp tempura, smoked jalapeño, cilantro 15

Barbetta is an OLD school Italian restaurant located on Restaurant Row near Times Square.

The place is ancient (been there since 1906) and it looks like nothing has changed since it opened.

That’s not a bad thing! It’s like walking into the past. If Marie Antoinette was Italian, this place would be her jam. It has just a touch of Haunted House that may also appeal to you.

We showed up for restaurant week, so not sure if what we ordered is even on their regular menu.

So, I won’t even bother with too many details since I didn’t bother remembering what anything was.

All I know was it was all pretty good. If you’re in the area and want an upscale blast from the past, check it out.

If you’re anywhere else…just stay there.

321 W 46th St
New York, NY 10036
b/t 8th Ave & 9th Ave
Theater District, Hell’s Kitchen, Midtown West
(212) 246-9171
barbettarestaurant.com

China North Dumpling is your best bet for some delicious, cheap dumplings without the hassle or crowds of Vanessa’s or Prosperity.

$3 bucks buys you 10 dumplings (steamed or fried) and unlike some of the other places, these are really fresh tasting (seems like they use fresh ginger) which really sets them apart and you feel like you’re getting a higher quality product.

The place is a dump, as any good dumpling spot should be. So, get your food, scarf it down and get the hell out of there.

I guarantee it will be the most enjoyable 4 minutes of your day.

27 Essex St
Ste A
New York, NY 10002
b/t Hester St & Grand St
Lower East Side
(212) 529-2700

Steamed Pork and Chive Dumplings – 10 for $3

If you visit the Cowgirl website, you’ll spot something very telling.

They promise you “Texas-friendly service, food and killer margaritas”.

As you can see, they add a positive adjective before their service and their drinks. But then they just happen to serve some food.

They are NOT wrong.

The servers were all super friendly. And the drinks were tasty. Maybe not killer. Or Texas Tasty. But they did not promise Texas Tasty, I just made that up.

The food is where it all goes wrong.

Where do I start??

First, it all needed a ton of salt. I’m sorry but chicken fried steak and biscuits and gravy are items that should literally stop my heart with it’s sodium content.

I could barely taste of this food, even after dousing everything in sight with Cholula.

And the biscuits were dreadful on all counts. Dry, tough and not a hint of butter. It was like someone dumped flavorless white glue on top of some 4 day old ciabatta buns.

You will never see Cowgirl on any of NYC’s restaurant lists. It’s not terrible enough to make it to the “City’s Worst” but no amount of Texas-Friendly BJ’s can make up for the bad food.

519 Hudson St
New York, NY 10014
b/t 10th St & Charles St
West Village
(212) 633-1133
cowgirlnyc.com

Margarita

Chicken Fried Steak – $15.95

Sausage, Biscuits, Gravy & Eggs 2 eggs any style, pork sausage patties and fluffy buttermilk biscuits
smothered in cream gravy
$14.50

Trader Joe’s has ruined hummus for the planet.

Real hummus should not be low fat. Or pasty, or chalky.

It should be almost too creamy. It should be 50% tahini and don’t skimp on the olive oil.

Dizengoff, located inside the Chelsea Market, makes hummus how it should be. Super decadent. Restaurant hummus.

The kind of hummus you would be frightened to make at home.

Let’s face it, you’re here because you’re broke. You’re a broke ass B.

(B means Bitch).

This place is known for their $2 peanut noodles and they’re $2 dumplings. For $4 bucks, you can get filled the F up. Because you’re a Broke Ass B.

The food is…decent. It’s not great. The dumplings are actually only meh.

But they’re only $2 bucks, so who cares??? Eat them anyway just because you can.

The place is sort of a dump but they serve $2 peanut noodles so who cares???

And don’t forget, you’re a Broke Ass B!!

118 Eldridge St
New York, NY 10002
b/t Grand St & Broome St
Lower East Side

Egg Everything Bagel with Bacon Scallion Cream Cheese

I’m not gonna bore you with a bunch of bagel pics. I mean, they’re kind of all the same.

BUTT…here’s why I love the BBC.

They’re spacious, clean and shiny (and air conditioned). So many bagel joints are tiny, dumpy, dirty and hot but you deal with it because you love bagels (and you’re a sheep who thinks that just because a place is packed with people that what they’re selling is amazing).

They have a large and creative selection of cream cheeses. Every bagel joint has your standby’s (scallion, veggie) but there is always a revolving, fun array of CCC (cream cheese choices).

THEY MAKE AN EGG EVERYTHING BAGEL!!

This is the reason I come here. The Egg Everything bagel is EVERYTHING.

Egg bagels are underappreciated and delicious but always lose out to the Everything bagel. Why not combine the two?? Why aren’t these made everywhere??

For some reason, these puppies are hard to find.

Service is friendly (another bagel shop rarity) and the bagels are GINORMOUS!

In fact, I can’t find a single fault with this place. So, I’ll stop looking for one.

Egg Bagel with Low Fat Cucumber Dill Cream Cheese

Beet Ricotta Doughnut

This place is known for their quirky donut flavors which you’ve probably seen on Instagram.

The two I tried were the Everything Donut (with Everything bagel flavors) and the Beet Ricotta.

Both were outstanding and just slightly on the savory side, the sweetness balances everything out.

I put maybe 6% effort into this review. It’s Saturday and I would rather be doing anything else than write this dumb blog. You’re welcome.

10 Morton St
New York, NY 10014
b/t S 7th Ave & Bleecker St
West Village
(212) 691-5000
thedoughnutproject.com

Everything Doughnut

As far as fast-casual, work lunch spots go – you can’t do better than Made Nice.

From the folks that brought you NYC’s best restaurant, Eleven Madison Park, Made Nice give you a delicious, gourmet, super-fast meal for about $15 bucks.

Here’s how it works:

1. Don’t bring cash. I mean, gross. It’s credit card only, fools. Just walk up to the person with the iPad and give her your order.

2. Expect a line, obvi.

3. Don’t expect to actually eat inside, unless you get there at 11 am or 3 pm.

4. Order your dish to-go and bring it to nearby Madison Square Park and eat on a bench or on the lawn. If it’s winter, see #3 and get there early or late.

5. Portions generally appear to be quite substantial but if you’re really hungry, order the Pork dish. I actually had trouble finishing it! The pork is a large square of pork confit (Fancy pulled pork) atop a nice array of seasonal ingredients. Highly recommended.

5. If you’re appetite is lighter, order anything with fish or veggie. I feel like that’s a given anywhere. So, strike that.

6. Service is extremely fast. You’ll have your food in about 2 minutes and be done about 10-15 minutes later. Even quicker, if you are by yourself. You friendless bastard.

8 W 28th St
New York, NY 10001
b/t Broadway & 5th Ave
Flatiron
(212) 887-1677
madenicenyc.com

“See, this is where you give me a big ass tip!”

COD PROVENǏAL
Seared Cod, Chickpea Purée, Braised Fennel, Tomato, Olives & Crispy Chickpeas
15

A cruise on the Hudson River around the Statue of Liberty is one of those corny, must-do NYC experiences. Even New Yorkers do it. I think. I hope.

The price may start off reasonable (around $150 pp), but trust me, it will double by the time you’re done with all the additional items (such as a guaranteed window seat for an extra $25 pp and complimentary booze for $65 pp) and dumb things like roses and photos and seafood towers. Ok, not really dumb. Romantic, I suppose. Gross.

These dinner cruises are for anniversaries and birthdays and maybe a Mother’s Day/Father’s Day situation. That’s about it. They’re special occasion cruises. Unless you’re really dying to spend $500 to get a good selfie with Lady Liberty.

The food is decent and ample, no need to really purchase any extra. I do think getting the First Class Upgrade for $65 pp was worth it as long as you’re in the mood to booze hard. If not, don’t bother. Lightweight.

The live music is entertaining but make sure to lower your expectations. It’s like being at a wedding reception where you don’t know a soul and you’re not entirely sure if the lounge singer is for real. She is. And yes, she does look like Tracey Ullman.

All in all, I would highly recommend this cruise. The views of the Statue, the city skyline and the various bridges are spectacular (make sure to do the evening one) the food isn’t bad and the service seemed generally friendly and prompt.

Caprese Skewer

Appetizers (complimentary when you upgrade)

Beet and Goat Cheese Salad

Lobster Bisque

Miso Glazed Cod

Braised Beef Short Rib

Warm Butter Cake

I think that might have been Tracey Ullman? ?