Everyone should eat at the boathouse at lease once.

And then rent a boat, I guess. Except, maybe not in the dead of summer, like we did. Idiots. Us, not you.

The food is pricey but it’s surprisingly good for a place with such great ambiance. They could serve you plates with literally nothing on them and the place would still be packed.

If you’re not into food (aka, not human) and just want to have a drink outside, you can head directly to the outside bar.

The fish and chips is surprisingly more expensive than the steak and eggs, not really sure why. Is the fish directly from the Central Park pond? God, I hope not.

Just an FYI, booze is not allowed on the boats. However, if you have the least bit of common sense, you can manage to sneak some champagne on board if you’re celebrating a special occasion or are just an ardent rule breaker.

One simple trick to sneaking something past the check-in guy is to avoid shrieking this exact phrase: “I HAVE BOOZE IN MY BAG!!!”

E 72nd St 5th Ave
New York, NY 10128
Central Park
(212) 517-2233
thecentralparkboathouse.com

Complimentary Banana Bread

Steak Pallard & Eggs – $25

Fish and Chips – $26

Here’s my very detailed review:

This is a cute place, with decent food at a good price for the area.

Ok, all done!

611 Hudson St
New York, NY 10014
b/t Jane St & 12th St
West Village
(212) 390-1545
barbolonatny.com

MERGUEZ BURGER – feta sauce, lettuce, tomato, crispy potatoes, potato bun – 17

BRANZINO – kale, tomatoes, scallions, green harissa – 19

The Spaniard is a beautiful new brunch spot in the West Village that makes a killer cheeseburger and a mind-blowing green Bloody Mary.

That’s really all you need to know.

But I’m bored, so I’ll keep going.

The burger is only $13 and the perfect size if you’re not super starving. It’s beauty lies in it’s simplicity. Two charred patties (love that, why do all these restaurants serve us super thick, barely cooked hamburgers. I want mine thin and charred!) cheese, pickles, shredded lettuce and special sauce. That’s it. No weird ingredients and no slimy tomato.

It’s pretty much perfect.

They’re also known for their Toasts (especially their lobster toast) but we didn’t order one but you should. We ordered the chilaqules, which were just ok. A bit dry and on the small side. I would say go for the burger and a toast and you’ll be on the right track.

The Bloody Mary was packed with spicy flavor, the first sip might knock you out of your seat.

The interior is sophisticated and classy. So many restaurants incorporate a vague or bland design and rely on quirky light fixtures or less is more a bit too heavily. Here, no expense is spared, the walls, the ceiling and the furnishings are all stunning. I was admiring the design for most of our meal.

I also loved how casual and friendly this place was, very neighborhoody and welcoming.

Ok, I’m still bored but now I’m bored of writing. Bye!

190 W 4th St
New York, NY 10014
b/t Jones St & Barrow St
West Village
(212) 918-1986
thespaniardnyc.com

Green Bloody Mary: Tomatillo, Cucumber, Cilantro, Lime, Jalapeño, Worcestershire

Chilaquiles – $16

Smash Burger – $13

Atera is a perfectly fine way to spend a few hours and blow $800 bucks.

I knew that Atera was one of NYC’s more expensive tasting menus, which is why I chose it for my birthday dinner which Sonigram was treating me for! Aren’t I thoughtful??

$275 buys you 19 courses (includes tip but not tax) but if you’re in the mood for cocktails or wine, better get a second mortgage or sell off your most irritating child.

First off, the place is tiny. There’s a large counter surrounding the kitchen and then one table behind it. That’s it.

So, you feel a little on display from the moment you enter the room. On the plus side, it feels like you have 5 private chefs cooking only for you, which is special.

While I really enjoyed the food, I didn’t find it as imaginative or as delicious as Eleven Madison Park or Le Bernardin (which are both less expensive) but I’m still glad I got to experience what felt like a very exclusive experience.

Let’s face it, I’m a big ole snob and this crap is right up my alley.

77 Worth St
New York, NY 10013
b/t Broadway & Church St
TriBeCa, Civic Center
(212) 226-1444
ateranyc.com

Bread Selection

Cauliflower, Coffee, Balsamic

White Asparagus, Quail Yolk, Thyme

Scallop, Celery, Brussels Sprout

Cucumber, Horseradish, Nasturtium

Salmon, Nori, Radish

Aebleskiver, Crab

Waffle, King Trumpet, Cheddar

Golden Osetra Caviar, Pistachio, IPA

Langoustine, Foie Gras, Apple

Turbot, Cucumber, Green Asparagus

Lamb, Snap Pea, Mushroom

Duck, Juniper, Beet

Heart of Palm, Oak, Honey

Madeleine, Black Garlic
Miso Caramel, Chocolate
Sorghum, Peanut
White Chocolate, Black Currant

Strawberry, Rhubarb, Skyr

My birthday treat!

The first thing I need to address in this blog post has nothing to do with the actual restaurant, El Camion.

It has everything to do with my apparent YELLOW ASS TEETH!

(BTW, they’re all fake. Who know veneers came in BIG BIRD YELLOW??)

When my dentist and I were discussing which shade of white I wanted for my forced-upon veneers (in heavy Persian accent: if you don’t get them now, your teeth will break and you’ll have to get caps and they will look like chicklets. Awful. You don’t want that”) she swayed me away from the brighter, whiter shades. She wanted them to look realistic.

I see her point but I also hate her. Truly, madly, deeply.

If you take a glance at the very bottom of the page, you will see several, shiny, happy, smiley people.

They’re smiling because they have amazing, ghost-white teeth and they feel really bad that Yellow Grin McGee is ruining their selfie! I would be too! I’m the worst.

ANYWAY…..

When JK suggested El Camion, my hopes were not high. No offense JK, but I haven’t had much luck in the NYC Mexican dept. since moving here from LA.

I was happily disappointed!

I’ve had a lot of bummer chilaquiles in my time (including LA) but these were spicy, saucy and came with a ton of yummy shredded chicken. For only $11 bucks. And that includes a cocktail!!

Definitely one of the best deals in town unless you’re a straight up Freegan, digging around in a dumpster. Even then, whatever treasure you find won’t come with a frozen cocktail! It will be all melted and shit!

All in all, I would highly recommend this place for a fun, tasty, cheap boozy brunch. And then afterwards, maybe you’ll end up freebasing Rose wine on a beautiful rooftop…but I doubt you’ll be so lucky.

194 Ave A
New York, NY 10009
East Village, Alphabet City
(212) 533-5436
elcamioncantina.com

Bloody Mary, ect….

Guacamole – $6

I have no clue what this is/was, but I bet it was delicious!

Chicken Chilaquiles $11
shredded chicken, queso chihuahua, tortilla chips, scrambled organic eggs,
salsa verde, crema, pico de gallo

Huevos Diablos $11
two poached organic eggs on habanero-corn muffin with carnitas;
served with chipotle hollandaise sauce and home fries

No, this blurry picture was NOT taken with a flip phone.

The White Teeth Brigade (and Other)

In LA, (at least when I last lived there) the best Chinese food could be found in the San Gabriel Valley and it was worth the drive.

In NYC, there is amazing Chinese food everywhere, even around the corner from my apartment. But especially in Manhattan’s Chinatown. There are a ton of cheap, delicious food options there.

However, I wanted to check out the food scene in Flushing, Queens to see what the fuss was about. I tried three of the most popular spots.

WHITE BEAR:

I LOVE THIS PLACE.

I love it far too much to make a “thank you for being a friend” joke.

Like many oldies my age, I grew up with the Golden Girls. So, obviously if someone were to open up a Golden Girl’s themed café (which they did) of course I would go.

I usually tweak all my blog photos before posting (which are always taken with my rapidly aging iPhone 6) using my Photoshop app but I decided not to for this place. I wanted to let the beauty that was Blanche, speak for herself.

Opened by a close friend of Rue McClanahan’s, this place is packed with her memorabilia. Even her old driver’s licenses! There are lots of photos of other cast members but it’s mostly Rue’s stuff.

There is always an episode of The Golden Girls playing on the TV and whenever the theme song comes on, the volume gets turned WAY up. It’s really fun.

The food isn’t bad. It’s just…random.

Apparently Rue used to steam her eggs using her Espresso Machine so those are recreated here. They are pretty good though.

The Betty White Cake was a bit much for one person to consume, but I still did it. It was the least I could do, to honor the late, great Betty White. Oh sorry, she’s not dead yet.

They have cheesecake on the menu (duh) and serve some grilled sandwiches (which are the way to go, really good) but don’t come here planning on some great meal.

Instead, come here for the magic. Since they serve beer and wine, maybe you can create a game where you drink every time Sophia calls Blanch a slut.

4396 Broadway
New York, NY 10040
b/t 189th St & 187th St
Washington Heights
Phone number (917) 521-0820
ruelaruecafe.com

Betty White Cake

Espressed Eggs with Sausage – Apparently Rue used to make these with the steam wand of her espresso machine….

The Ribbon is a fine choice for brunch on the Upper West Side.

That may not sound like a rave review, but trust me. That’s my happy face.

Let’s face it, I don’t venture up yonder very often to get my eatin’ on. I have some semblance of taste, after all.

But there are a few decent eateries up north, and The Ribbon is one of them. Plus, it’s pretty spacious so you won’t have to worry about making some silly reservation, like a poor person.

They have some creative and, more importantly, heavy handed mimosas to choose from. So, do that.

The Deviled Eggs with pickled peppers (which I also recently had at Motel Morris) were a nice start but definitely someone in your party should order the Hot Chicken and Cheddar Chive Pancake. That sh*t was truly tasty.

Ok, it’s Friday so I have better things to do than write some dumb blog post. Who has a blog anymore, anyway?? Poor people, that’s who.

20 W 72nd St
New York, NY 10023
b/t W Central Park & Columbus Ave
Upper West Side
(347) 504-7541
theribbonnyc.com

Mimosas – $13

Deviled Eggs w/ Pickled Peppers – $7

Smoked Nueske Bacon – $8

Blueberry Pancake – $17

Hot Chicken & Cheddar Chive Pancake – $21

The swanky Public Hotel and their rooftop bar have received a few scathing reviews on Yelp (which are amusing to read) but the Jean Georges restaurant Public Kitchen is a knock out.

And unlike the rooftop, you don’t have to go through three bouncers to get some grub.

If your friend is running late (and in this case, she was) there is a lovely outdoor lawn/courtyard situation where you can wait under the shade of some trees.

I won’t go into too many details because the food we ordered was your pretty standard, upscale comfort food brunch fare. Fancy burgers, fancy pizzas and fancy fried chicken.

Sure, there were other things (kicking myself for not ordering the basil potstickers) but we ordered the most yummy sounding things that were guaranteed to come with fries or at least contain 95% carbs.

The Burger and Fried Chicken sandwich were quite tasty (and the fries were amazing) but that Black Truffle Three Cheese Pizza is a MUST ORDER.

Definitely the best truffle pizza I’ve ever had, the flavor will knock your socks off! But because no one wants your dirty socks flying everywhere, let’s change that to blow your mind. Which I guess connotes a splattering of brains, but that’s far more appealing at mealtime than someone’s socks.

Ok, where were we?

215 Chrystie St
New York, NY 10002
at Stanton St
Lower East Side
(212) 735-6000
publichotels.com

I have no recollection what this cocktail was. Sorry.

Fried Chicken Sandwich – $18

Black Truffle and Three Cheese Pizza, Farm Egg – $22

CHEESEBURGER, FRIZZLED ONIONS HOUSE-MADE PICKLES, FRENCH FRIES – $22

Pimento Cheese
$8
Deviled Eggs
pickled chilis

Motel Morris is a bustling new eatery located on a street in Chelsea featuring some deeply average and uninspired restaurants. They must hate this place!

I loved everything we ordered.

The cocktails are served in those infuriating vintage cocktail glasses that would appear small even in a doll’s drunk hand. But they’re boozy and pack a punch, so do not disregard them. But they also have sparkling rose on tap, so that’s a fun alternative.

We started out with the Pimento Deviled Eggs, which are on the sour side because of the pickled peppers. I loved the sourness but my dining companion did not. But he’s dumb.

I ordered the Everything Bagel Crusted Tuna, which is on the lighter side but very tasty. It comes with an enormous grilled hunk of avocado, which should prevent anyone around you from whispering that you’re on some sort of restrictive diet. After all, there are so many aspects of your physical appearance they’ll already be whispering about.

The Chicken Fried Buttermilk Pork Chop is a very nice sized hunk of meat and it comes with these fun fried shoestring sweet potatoes and some amazing vinegary collard greens. I actually think I enjoyed the greens more than the chop! Who am I??

We ended with the delicious sounding and tasting Butterscotch Pudding Pie and my lord! If you don’t order this, I’ll join in on the poking fun of your physical appearance that everyone else in the restaurant is currently engaged in.

132 7th Ave
New York, NY 10011
b/t 18th St & 17th St
Chelsea
(646) 880-4810
motelmorris.com

(Front)
THE HANKY PANKY 15
woody creek gin, dolin rouge, fernet branca
(Back)
SMOKE AND MIRRORS 15
rough rider rye, mezcal, cappelletti,
byrrh quinquina

Chicken Fried Buttermilk Pork Chop
$25
black eyed peas, vinegary collards, shoe string
sweet potato

Everything “Bagel” Crusted Tuna
$27
grilled avocado, buttered scallion basmati,
mint cilantro pesto

Butterscotch Banana
$10
Pudding Pie
butter brittle, graham cracker,
whipped cream

Complimentary Salt Water Taffy