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Here’s a short description of your typical Dim Sum experience:

Immediately upon entering the restaurant, 8 ladies crash their dim sum carts into your table all at once, they shove plates filled with unknown fried or squiggly foods in your face, you decline because you need to catch your breath, they’re offended and you are subsequently ignored for the rest of the meal.

That seems to be the case every time I do dim sum. And that’s part of the appeal. The stress of it all.

Within seconds of being seated, you’re sexually harassed with dumplings. You don’t even have your water yet, so you’re declined all the offers, assuming you’ll be harassed later as well. Not the case.

You don’t know what the hell you’re being offered. You try to obtain clues as to the contents (fish? pork? entrails?) and your questions are often not answered in English, resulting in severe language tax.

This means, after an exhausting back and forth exchange, where neither customer nor dim sum cart attendant understands one another, you just take the damn plate to find out it’s either weird, gross or the opposite of what you asked for.

But this is all part of the fun!

Like with all of my dim sum experiences, you get some good things, you get some bad things and you get some weird things (that you sometimes can’t stop eating). The Chinese broccoli, the little tempura veggies and the mushroom dumplings were our favorites, today.

Halfway through your meal, your salt intake being double your day’s requirement, you become parched. You search out the waiter like an addict in search of his dealer.

Your water dealer does NOT search out you. In fact, he avoids you. Perhaps he just doesn’t like the looks of you. You must have offended him somehow. Maybe you should play a little hard to get, not appear so desperate. It’s just water, after all.

Your doll-sized water cup is begrudgingly filled and then its immediately dumped down your throat. You want another, STAT. You will most likely never see the waiter again, so enjoy every last drop of that beloved water, as it shall be your last.

Dim Sum is always fun (regardless of the tone of this entire post), even if you leave with a belly full of indeterminate foodstuffs and a tongue as dry as the state of California. For some reason, it’s still a worthwhile experience.

If only to stop taking free, glorious water for granted.

20 Elizabeth St
New York, NY 10013
b/t Canal St & Bayard St
Chinatown
Phone number (212) 964-5256
jingfongny.com

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Shu Mai (I think?)

Shu Mai (I think?)

Deep Fried...Something (veggies, we hope?)

Deep Fried…Something (veggies, we hope?)

Mushroom Dumpling (maybe?)

Mushroom Dumpling (maybe?)

Rice and etcetera...

Rice and etcetera…

Chinese Broccoli (most likely)

Chinese Broccoli (most likely)

Bombarded with questionable foodstuffs!

Bombarded with questionable foodstuffs!