If you visit the Cowgirl website, you’ll spot something very telling.

They promise you “Texas-friendly service, food and killer margaritas”.

As you can see, they add a positive adjective before their service and their drinks. But then they just happen to serve some food.

They are NOT wrong.

The servers were all super friendly. And the drinks were tasty. Maybe not killer. Or Texas Tasty. But they did not promise Texas Tasty, I just made that up.

The food is where it all goes wrong.

Where do I start??

First, it all needed a ton of salt. I’m sorry but chicken fried steak and biscuits and gravy are items that should literally stop my heart with it’s sodium content.

I could barely taste of this food, even after dousing everything in sight with Cholula.

And the biscuits were dreadful on all counts. Dry, tough and not a hint of butter. It was like someone dumped flavorless white glue on top of some 4 day old ciabatta buns.

You will never see Cowgirl on any of NYC’s restaurant lists. It’s not terrible enough to make it to the “City’s Worst” but no amount of Texas-Friendly BJ’s can make up for the bad food.

519 Hudson St
New York, NY 10014
b/t 10th St & Charles St
West Village
(212) 633-1133
cowgirlnyc.com

Margarita

Chicken Fried Steak – $15.95

Sausage, Biscuits, Gravy & Eggs 2 eggs any style, pork sausage patties and fluffy buttermilk biscuits
smothered in cream gravy
$14.50

Trader Joe’s has ruined hummus for the planet.

Real hummus should not be low fat. Or pasty, or chalky.

It should be almost too creamy. It should be 50% tahini and don’t skimp on the olive oil.

Dizengoff, located inside the Chelsea Market, makes hummus how it should be. Super decadent. Restaurant hummus.

The kind of hummus you would be frightened to make at home.

Let’s face it, you’re here because you’re broke. You’re a broke ass B.

(B means Bitch).

This place is known for their $2 peanut noodles and they’re $2 dumplings. For $4 bucks, you can get filled the F up. Because you’re a Broke Ass B.

The food is…decent. It’s not great. The dumplings are actually only meh.

But they’re only $2 bucks, so who cares??? Eat them anyway just because you can.

The place is sort of a dump but they serve $2 peanut noodles so who cares???

And don’t forget, you’re a Broke Ass B!!

118 Eldridge St
New York, NY 10002
b/t Grand St & Broome St
Lower East Side

Egg Everything Bagel with Bacon Scallion Cream Cheese

I’m not gonna bore you with a bunch of bagel pics. I mean, they’re kind of all the same.

BUTT…here’s why I love the BBC.

They’re spacious, clean and shiny (and air conditioned). So many bagel joints are tiny, dumpy, dirty and hot but you deal with it because you love bagels (and you’re a sheep who thinks that just because a place is packed with people that what they’re selling is amazing).

They have a large and creative selection of cream cheeses. Every bagel joint has your standby’s (scallion, veggie) but there is always a revolving, fun array of CCC (cream cheese choices).

THEY MAKE AN EGG EVERYTHING BAGEL!!

This is the reason I come here. The Egg Everything bagel is EVERYTHING.

Egg bagels are underappreciated and delicious but always lose out to the Everything bagel. Why not combine the two?? Why aren’t these made everywhere??

For some reason, these puppies are hard to find.

Service is friendly (another bagel shop rarity) and the bagels are GINORMOUS!

In fact, I can’t find a single fault with this place. So, I’ll stop looking for one.

Egg Bagel with Low Fat Cucumber Dill Cream Cheese

Beet Ricotta Doughnut

This place is known for their quirky donut flavors which you’ve probably seen on Instagram.

The two I tried were the Everything Donut (with Everything bagel flavors) and the Beet Ricotta.

Both were outstanding and just slightly on the savory side, the sweetness balances everything out.

I put maybe 6% effort into this review. It’s Saturday and I would rather be doing anything else than write this dumb blog. You’re welcome.

10 Morton St
New York, NY 10014
b/t S 7th Ave & Bleecker St
West Village
(212) 691-5000
thedoughnutproject.com

Everything Doughnut

As far as fast-casual, work lunch spots go – you can’t do better than Made Nice.

From the folks that brought you NYC’s best restaurant, Eleven Madison Park, Made Nice give you a delicious, gourmet, super-fast meal for about $15 bucks.

Here’s how it works:

1. Don’t bring cash. I mean, gross. It’s credit card only, fools. Just walk up to the person with the iPad and give her your order.

2. Expect a line, obvi.

3. Don’t expect to actually eat inside, unless you get there at 11 am or 3 pm.

4. Order your dish to-go and bring it to nearby Madison Square Park and eat on a bench or on the lawn. If it’s winter, see #3 and get there early or late.

5. Portions generally appear to be quite substantial but if you’re really hungry, order the Pork dish. I actually had trouble finishing it! The pork is a large square of pork confit (Fancy pulled pork) atop a nice array of seasonal ingredients. Highly recommended.

5. If you’re appetite is lighter, order anything with fish or veggie. I feel like that’s a given anywhere. So, strike that.

6. Service is extremely fast. You’ll have your food in about 2 minutes and be done about 10-15 minutes later. Even quicker, if you are by yourself. You friendless bastard.

8 W 28th St
New York, NY 10001
b/t Broadway & 5th Ave
Flatiron
(212) 887-1677
madenicenyc.com

“See, this is where you give me a big ass tip!”

COD PROVENǏAL
Seared Cod, Chickpea Purée, Braised Fennel, Tomato, Olives & Crispy Chickpeas
15

A cruise on the Hudson River around the Statue of Liberty is one of those corny, must-do NYC experiences. Even New Yorkers do it. I think. I hope.

The price may start off reasonable (around $150 pp), but trust me, it will double by the time you’re done with all the additional items (such as a guaranteed window seat for an extra $25 pp and complimentary booze for $65 pp) and dumb things like roses and photos and seafood towers. Ok, not really dumb. Romantic, I suppose. Gross.

These dinner cruises are for anniversaries and birthdays and maybe a Mother’s Day/Father’s Day situation. That’s about it. They’re special occasion cruises. Unless you’re really dying to spend $500 to get a good selfie with Lady Liberty.

The food is decent and ample, no need to really purchase any extra. I do think getting the First Class Upgrade for $65 pp was worth it as long as you’re in the mood to booze hard. If not, don’t bother. Lightweight.

The live music is entertaining but make sure to lower your expectations. It’s like being at a wedding reception where you don’t know a soul and you’re not entirely sure if the lounge singer is for real. She is. And yes, she does look like Tracey Ullman.

All in all, I would highly recommend this cruise. The views of the Statue, the city skyline and the various bridges are spectacular (make sure to do the evening one) the food isn’t bad and the service seemed generally friendly and prompt.

Caprese Skewer

Appetizers (complimentary when you upgrade)

Beet and Goat Cheese Salad

Lobster Bisque

Miso Glazed Cod

Braised Beef Short Rib

Warm Butter Cake

I think that might have been Tracey Ullman? ?

Everyone should eat at the boathouse at lease once.

And then rent a boat, I guess. Except, maybe not in the dead of summer, like we did. Idiots. Us, not you.

The food is pricey but it’s surprisingly good for a place with such great ambiance. They could serve you plates with literally nothing on them and the place would still be packed.

If you’re not into food (aka, not human) and just want to have a drink outside, you can head directly to the outside bar.

The fish and chips is surprisingly more expensive than the steak and eggs, not really sure why. Is the fish directly from the Central Park pond? God, I hope not.

Just an FYI, booze is not allowed on the boats. However, if you have the least bit of common sense, you can manage to sneak some champagne on board if you’re celebrating a special occasion or are just an ardent rule breaker.

One simple trick to sneaking something past the check-in guy is to avoid shrieking this exact phrase: “I HAVE BOOZE IN MY BAG!!!”

E 72nd St 5th Ave
New York, NY 10128
Central Park
(212) 517-2233
thecentralparkboathouse.com

Complimentary Banana Bread

Steak Pallard & Eggs – $25

Fish and Chips – $26

Here’s my very detailed review:

This is a cute place, with decent food at a good price for the area.

Ok, all done!

611 Hudson St
New York, NY 10014
b/t Jane St & 12th St
West Village
(212) 390-1545
barbolonatny.com

MERGUEZ BURGER – feta sauce, lettuce, tomato, crispy potatoes, potato bun – 17

BRANZINO – kale, tomatoes, scallions, green harissa – 19

The Spaniard is a beautiful new brunch spot in the West Village that makes a killer cheeseburger and a mind-blowing green Bloody Mary.

That’s really all you need to know.

But I’m bored, so I’ll keep going.

The burger is only $13 and the perfect size if you’re not super starving. It’s beauty lies in it’s simplicity. Two charred patties (love that, why do all these restaurants serve us super thick, barely cooked hamburgers. I want mine thin and charred!) cheese, pickles, shredded lettuce and special sauce. That’s it. No weird ingredients and no slimy tomato.

It’s pretty much perfect.

They’re also known for their Toasts (especially their lobster toast) but we didn’t order one but you should. We ordered the chilaqules, which were just ok. A bit dry and on the small side. I would say go for the burger and a toast and you’ll be on the right track.

The Bloody Mary was packed with spicy flavor, the first sip might knock you out of your seat.

The interior is sophisticated and classy. So many restaurants incorporate a vague or bland design and rely on quirky light fixtures or less is more a bit too heavily. Here, no expense is spared, the walls, the ceiling and the furnishings are all stunning. I was admiring the design for most of our meal.

I also loved how casual and friendly this place was, very neighborhoody and welcoming.

Ok, I’m still bored but now I’m bored of writing. Bye!

190 W 4th St
New York, NY 10014
b/t Jones St & Barrow St
West Village
(212) 918-1986
thespaniardnyc.com

Green Bloody Mary: Tomatillo, Cucumber, Cilantro, Lime, Jalapeño, Worcestershire

Chilaquiles – $16

Smash Burger – $13