One If By Land (don’t make me type the rest) is always voted (by who, I have no idea) as NYC’s most romantic restaurant.

While it’s definitely up there, I don’t know if I would consider it the MOST romantic. The service is so prompt, you’d never have a chance to make out before you were rudely interrupted by someone bringing you your food. The nerve!

The restaurant is housed in Aaron Burr’s carriage house, built in 1767. Aaron Burr is the man who shot and killed Alexander Hamilton. That’s all I got for you folks. You’re probably fast asleep, anyway.

The cheapest meal option is 3 courses for $100 bucks.

Definitely overpriced, but this is special occasion restaurant so you don’t feel as bad that you’re being taken advantage of.

Also, each course is quite sizable, so it’s not the type of tiny two-biters that you’d get at one of NYC’s other tasting menu eateries.

Except for dessert, dessert was tiny.

Which was fine by us, since we were nicely stuffed by then.

The complimentary dinner rolls brought out seemed extremely boring but once we added a healthy amount of butter, they were much appreciated.

For the first course, we ordered a pasta and duck confit dish, which was really nice and almost too large of a portion.

The Foie Gras dish was also a bit too large but it was promptly gobbled up.

For our mains, we had the Veal Chop (for $10 extra) and it was massive and tasty. And also a cruel order on our part, the poor baby veal. We’re such assholes.

Their signature dish is the Beef Wellington. A perfect sized cut of steak (filet, I think?) wrapped in pastry and baked. SO good. This is highly recommended, if you’re into that kind of thing.

Our desserts were decontrusted versions of carrot cake and tres leches cake. Basically, someone gave a normal slice of cake and a scoop of ice cream to a 3 year old and told them to make art out of it.

The cocktails were superb: tasty, boozy and not skimpy. I almost thing it would be a great place for drinks at the bar, if the whole “most romantic restaurant” thing didn’t make you feel so bad for eating alone.

BTW, the coat check is mandatory. So if your jacket was covering a gross looking stain or maybe you just peed your pants, you’ll be forced to do the walk of shame past less disgusting people celebrating an anniversary. And you just ruined everything for them. Thanks for that, jerk.

17 Barrow St
New York, NY 10014
b/t S 7th Ave & 4th St
West Village
(212) 228-0822
oneifbyland.com

Built in 1767 – Once owned by Aaron Burr.

Hand Pulled Pasta w/ Duck Confit, yellow foot mushrooms, butternut squash, truffle.

Seared Hudson Valley Foie Gras – Meyer Lemon linzer tart, hazelnut brittle, beurre noisette aoili

Beef Wellington – Mushroom duxelle, seasonal vegetables, beurre rouge.

Roasted Veal Chop – German fingerling potato salad, apple smoked bacon, whole grain mustard sauce.

Tres Leches
Vanilla sponge, dolce cream, vanilla mousse,
peach compote, dolce gelato

Ginger Carrot Cake
Dolce cremeux, cream cheese icing, carrot sauce,
cream cheese sorbet, crystalized pineapple

Joanne’s Spaghetti and Meatballs

Joanne’s is a somewhat tacky looking Italian eatery on the UWS that is more famous for being owned by Lady Gaga’s parents.

However, the decor is not why everyone is coming here. They’re coming here for Gaga. Hint: she won’t be there.

The crowd looked to be 2% locals and 103% tourists (is my math right?) but after trying the food, I’m actually shocked.

THE FOOD WAS REALLY GOOD!

The meatballs were super flavorful and garlicky, the pasta was perfectly cooked and portions were ample.

The drinks were very tasty, a few of their names inspired by Lada Gaga herself.

While there are a ton of good Italian restaurants in the city, there aren’t an equal amount of casual and friendly spots where you don’t have to make a reservation a month in advance.

If I lived closer, I would definitely add this place in my rotation of no-brainer spots to get my grub on.

I can’t believe I got through this entire post without one single Gaga pun. What is wrong with me? Guess I’m off my game. My love game. That’s a Gaga song, right?

70 W 68th St
New York, NY 10023
b/t W Central Park & Columbus Ave
Upper West Side
(212) 721-0068
joannenyc.com

Joanne’s Meatballs – $9

Pasta Bolognese

White Truffle Alfredo

Red Velvet Cake

Denino’s is a non-descript outpost of the famous Staten Island pizza restaurant.

The pizza is pricy, the interior is dark and boring and the pizza isn’t the most flavorful I’ve ever had.

At each table sits a variety of your tradtional pizza condiments for you to use, and we piled them on high.

In all fairness, we didn’t even try the pizza beforehand. It could have been fine. But why try sitting next to a container of Parmesan and NOT put some on your pizza. Just try it. You will fail.

93 Macdougal St
New York, NY 10012
Greenwich Village
(646) 838-6987
deninosgreenwichvillage.com

Sangria

1/2 Special (Sausage and Mushrooms and 1/2 M.O.R. (Meatball/Onion/Ricotta)

I had originally only chosen Prime Meats because it was in close proximity to the mini golf place we wanted to check out.

While the golf place was cute and all, once we got past the slight weirdness of two adult males being in a building chock full of screaming 7 year olds, Prime Meats ended up being the highlight of the afternoon.

Prime Meats does all their own meats in-house. I say “does” because I’m not entirely sure to what extent they handle their meats, so I’m sort of quoting our server.

Was there a slaughterhouse in the basement? One can only guess. Or Google, if you’re less lazy than me.

Once I found out that the hot dogs were “made” there, I knew that’s what I needed to order. Plus, you get TWO of them, which is nice because one is never enough and two is too many, but when given the option, I always err on the side of too man / instant regret.

Sometimes artisan hot dogs creep me out because of the obvious snap of the casing, but the subtle snap of these lil guys was easy to ignore.

The burger was awesome, like the kind of simple burger you’d BBQ on the grill at home. Although, I’m sure the quality of Prime Meat’s burgers are 100 times better than the cheap, on-sale crap you would buy. Because you’re cheap, just face it.

The interior has a nice, dark wood steakhouse feel but it’s super casual so no need to dress up. Also, it’s Brooklyn, so you wouldn’t dress up anyways. Unless you were finding the perfect lumberjack outfit to go with that nappy ass beard of yours.

465 Court St
Brooklyn, NY 11231
b/t Luquer St & 4th Pl
Carroll Gardens
(718) 254-0327
frankspm.com

The Prime Meats 5oz Burger – $14

Hot Dogs – $14

Pigs in Parker House Rolls with Pig Beach Mustard Sauce – $9

Pig Bleeker is one of those countless NYC restaurants that look good and taste good but just not good enough to return to.

In a town with so many great restaurants, there is no need to waste one’s time repeating a good one.

The three starters were ordered were all fine. None of them would fall into the “yummy” category and both the chicken and parker house rolls were on the dry side.

The meatballs and brisket ravioli were both really good. Much better than the starters.

Just a smidge below great.

I feel like we also missed out by not ordering a big hunk of meat. That could have been our downfall. Please feel free to fault us for that.

Cocktails were very tasty. The Mint Julep, however, contained only about 4 hefty sips. Big pet peeve of mine.

The other two were much more sizable.

In summary, please reread the first sentence of this review.

Good day to you all.

155 Bleecker St
New York, NY 10012
b/t Thompson St & Sullivan St
Greenwich Village
(646) 756-5115
pigbleeckernyc.com

Cornbread Madelines – Complimentary

El Dorado & Mint Julep – $13 Each

I’m on Fire – $13

BBQ Chicken Lollipops – $12

Deviled Steak & Eggs – $9

Grandma Val’s Meatballs with Smoked DiPalo’s Mozzarella
$11

Brisket Ravioli with Black Truffle Butter & Barolo
$24

Momosan serves the most insane ramen dish I’ve ever had.

Ever tan tan (or dan dan) noodle dish is slightly different. They’re all usually spicy and made with ground pork. With slight variations.

Momosan adds coconut milk, curry and red miso to theirs. And you get a few slices of pork chashu in addition to the ground pork. It’s HEAVEN.

Seriously.

And to anyone that made a “it’s too rich/heavy” comment on Yelp? I invite them all to jump off the nearest cliff.

Momosan’s ramen prices are shockingly reasonable considering the place is upscale, we’re in NYC and in midtown. And their $16 lunch special (small ramen, small rice dish and side of kimchi) is a decent deal.

But why would you order a small ramen when you can order a large one?? That kind of thing will never make sense to me.

342 Lexington Ave
New York, NY 10016
b/t 39th St & 40th St
Midtown East, Murray Hill
(646) 201-5529
momosanramen.com

Carafe of Sake – $37

TETSUNABE PORK GYOZA $10
pork & chive gyoza, ginger scallion sauce,
served on an iron skillet

TONKOTSU RAMEN $10/13
pork chashu, aji-tama, takana, kikurage,
scallion, toasted nori, garlic oil, soy tare

TANTAN RAMEN – $10/13.
spicy coconut curry, pork chashu, red miso
ground pork, aji-tama, cilantro

Tantan Ramen – All mixed up into a delicious frenzy…