CRISPY BAO BUNS
brisket / crunchy asian slaw / sesame $19

Vandal is an enormous, nightclub-esque restaurant in the LES that serves the modern equivalent to Asian Fusion, AKA: “Street Food”.

“Street Food” is the new “Asian Fusion”.

Since Asian Fusion (do I have to keep putting ” ” around that??) is so 90’s, restaurants are rebranding the same kind of cuisine to a fresh, millennial market. “Street Food” sounds so edgy and dubsteppy! Asian Fusion is more Zero Seven.

“Fusion” sounds like the name of some hot new nightclub that Kelly Taylor and Brenda Walsh would use their fake ID’s to sneak into but Dylan would be too cool to even bother with. “You guys are going to Fusion?? Such sheep.”

He’s probably mixed up in some kind of scheme with the owner and couldn’t even show his face if he wanted to!

Oh Dylan, grow up!

In case you aren’t immediately aware when you start to skim the menu but you are being charged heavily to help the owners recoup the costs of the décor. The rent must be grotesque and the décor does not appear to have been brought about thriftily, regardless of the futuristic Asian Nagel painting vibe going on. Definitely save your pennies for this meal.

What was the best dish?

The Crispy Eggplant, by far. So good, in fat, that we ordered a SECOND round of it! I can’t recall ever doing that in my existence before. That’s how good it was.

Everything else? Not worth ordering seconds of, but not worth spitting out your bite and storming off in a huff. Also, if that does happen, I need to hear details as you’ve clearly had some sort of mental break and I’m fascinated by it!

199 Bowery
New York, NY 10002
b/t Spring St & Rivington St
Lower East Side
(212) 400-0199
vandalnewyork.com

BANH MI’EATBALL SLIDER*
spicy pork meatball / foie gras mousse / pickled this and that $9 EACH

CRISPY EGGPLANT
miso glaze $14

CRISPY BAO BUNS
brisket / crunchy asian slaw / sesame $19

BLUE CORN AL PASTOR QUESADILLA
spit roasted pork / pineapple salsa / avocado $15

SPICY KOREAN RICE CAKES
mizuna kimchi $14

KNISH REUBEN
corned beef / sauerkraut / swiss / thousand island $15

Grilled Cheese Dumpling (on spoon filled with tomato soup)

Beauty and Essex is the perfect place to get your Boozy Brunch on without all the ear-piercing music, awful food or drunk AF girls in micro mini’s trying to navigate the cumbersome cobblestone streets of the Meatpacking in their stilettos (I’m talking to you, Bagatelle).

While watching these intoxicated gals hold onto one another for dear life is certainly entertaining, I definitely do not desire to step foot inside one of these places to experience just how loud the thumping music sounds from the inside. I would need to be sufficiently wasted beforehand.

The star dish at this sorta hidden (but not really) LES hotspot would have to be the Grilled Cheese Dumplings. I mean, need I go on? No? Well, fine. I won’t. Just to spite you.

My other favorite dish were the chilaquiles. Loved the spicy green sauce that came with it.

B & E has an extensive menu, and I don’t think anyone disliked their meal. Some items (such as the Juicy Lucy sausage biscuit) were on the smaller side, so perhaps do some research ahead of time if you’re a hungry hungry hippo.

The service was friendly, the drinks were fun and potent and the place is spacious and gorgeous. No matter what time of day you show up, you can’t go wrong. Unless you’re having some sort of personal crisis that day, and then everything will suck, regardless.

I can’t help you there.

Essex St
New York, NY 10002
b/t Stanton St & Rivington St
Lower East Side
(212) 614-0146
beautyandessex.com

You enter the restaurant through an upscale pawn shop. My friend appears beyond delighted that I’m snapping her photo.

Beauty Elixir
Hendricks gin, cucumber, strawberry, sparkling rosé

Grilled Cheese, Smoked Bacon &
Tomato Soup Dumplings – $16

Hmm, no clue what this was. Roasted red peppers on toast?

Fried Chicken Biscuit Bites
tabasco honey butter, red cabbage slaw – $15

‘Juicy Lucy’ Sausage Biscuit
housemade pimento cheese stuffed country sage sausage

‘Eggs Benedict’* 14
jamon serrano, hollandaise

Maryland Crab Cake BLT
romaine, tomato, crispy bacon, old bay aioli – $19

‘Everything Bagel & Lox’ Pizzetta
american paddlefish roe, caper berries, cheddar cream cheese – $16

Chilaquiles*
hand pulled chicken, sunny side up egg, cotija cheese, pickled red onion – $17

Lemon Blackberry Pancakes 12
sweet ricotta

Black Bottomed Butterscotch Pot de Crème
coconut Chantilly – $14

Mamak Dumplings

I think I’ve only been to one or two Malaysian restaurants in my time. Why aren’t there more?? The food is outstanding!

Mamak offers Thai and Vietnamese food in addition to Malaysian, but why bother with all that noise when you can order the Beef Rendang, which was bursting with flavor.

The Mamak dumplings, smothered in peanut sauce, are also another must order.

My very favorite eateries are all located in the East Village or Lower East Side. What is the West Side’s problem?!

174 2nd Ave
New York, NY 10003
b/t 12th St & 11th St
East Village
(347) 394-5085
lovemamakny.com

Wonton Soup

Mussels

Rendang Nasi Lemak
Coconut-pandanus jasmine rice, rendang curry, hardboiled egg, sambal chilies, pineapple achat, cucumbers, roasted peanuts.