The interior of Nicoletta reminds me of some fancy college dining hall. Have I ever been inside a fancy dining hall before? Well….No. But if I were boring enough to dream about fancy college dining halls, this would be what it looks like.

I only have a couple of facts to share with you, I know we’ve all got a lot on our plates today.

Nicoletta is super duper casual (as fancy college dining halls in my dreams tend to be, probably) and the pizza is on the thicker and very tasty. I ate much more than I had intended to and was punished later.

My goal in this fair city is to try and visit every major NY pizza joint at least once. So, I’m glad I got to check out Nicoletta.

The problem is that you can find good pizza virtually everywhere in this city. There’s no reason for me to cross town for a slice I can get just around the corner in my own hood.

Which is why I’ll never return to the unremarkable but delicious Nicoletta. Except maybe in my dreams.

160 2nd Ave
New York, NY 10003
United States
b/t 11th St & 10th St
East Village
212-432-1600
nicolettapizza.com

CALABRESE $24
thick cut pepperoni, fennel sausage
red onions, pomodoro, mozzarella

PROSCIUTTO $24
prosciutto di parma, ricotta
caramelized onions, agro dolce

The King Salami – Hot and Sweet Sopressata, Finocchiona, Red Peppers

When Speedy Romeo opened up in the Lower East Side (their first outpost is in Brooklyn), it was all the buzz on Eater NY.

I had attempted to brunch at the Brooklyn location but decided the lengthy wait was not worth it. But the place seemed charming and full of character, so I earmarked it for a future visit.

Speedy Romeo LES tries to infuse their decor with some quirkiness but the place doesn’t have nearly the same heart as the Brooklyn one. There was something a little too new about it.

Our nice and thin pepperoni pizza was…well…nice but overshadowed by the really fantastic meatball sub. That mammoth platter of meaty bready goodness really wowed me. Made me wish I hadn’t filled up on all that pizza.

We started with the mozzarella bruschetta appetizer, which was also really fantastic.

When you come to Speedy Romeo, you’ll order pizza because you’ll think you have to. But you’ll enjoy everything else you order, much more.

Bloody Mary

Mozarella Crostini – $16

THE GRAVLAX – $20
Grilled Dough, Fennel Cured Salmon, Ricotta, Red Onion, Capers, Lemon

Meatball Sandwich – $16
Pork & Veal Meatballs, Parmesan, Pecorino, Tomato Sauce, Italian Bread

I love LOVE Jules Bistro.

Like, I would Facebook stalk it, if I could. Maybe, constantly the check the last time it was “Active” and wonder why the HELL it hasn’t responded to any of my messages???

It’s the quintessential cozy French bistro which becomes just the right amount of lively at night. Some live jazz band is performing. You’re almost done with your second glass of wine. You’re nibbling on charcuterie.

You’re having a great time.

Here’s the thing. The food at these kinds of places doesn’t have to serve good food. They just need to serve booze. But they DO serve good food.

A few of us ordered the mussels and everyone enjoyed them, I believe. Not really sure, since I didn’t ask them as I did not remotely care about their meal.

I was too busy breaking my wine glass and chowing down on the truly excellent Demi-Poulet Roti. The roasted half chicken with mashed potatoes. Super simple but super tasty.

65 Saint Marks Pl
New York, NY 10003
East Village
(212) 477-5560
julesbistro.com

Live Jazz most nights

Charcuterie Plate – $23

Terrine de Campagne – $12

Moules Frites Jules (Mussels and fries) – $18.95

Demi-Poulet Roti – $25.00
Roasted organic half chicken, mashed potatoes, sautéed fennel, dry figs, natural jus.

The Frying Pan kind of reminds me of a floating frat party.

The drinks are served in plastic cups, the crowd is mostly 20-something dudes with a smattering of 20-something chicks. This is where I would list a third reason, but I can’t think of one. The first two are enough!

That being said, drinking on a boat is lovely! Well, more like a barge, in this case. There is a boat hitched to the barge, but I’ve never been on it. The majority of the seating and boozing space is located on a very large barge (marge).

The food can be tasty but nothing is all that special. Only eat here if you’re feeling too lazy to go somewhere else or you really need to sober up.

I did enjoy my fish and chips and the portion was pretty substantial.

The drinks are served to you at a lightning pace. Be ready with your money, because the servers will be finished before you can finish your drink order, and probably already sick of your shit. Get it together, man!

This place can get crazy crowded, so the Frying Pan folks are experts at getting through the line quickly. You will get whiplash, but that’s much better than waiting 15 minutes for your artisan mixology-ridden punch served in antique doll-house sized glasses.

The Frying Pan has a drink menu but nothing is curated or locally sourced. Or cheap. They’re just basic drinks that are just the right amount of boozy so you can deal with all the 20-somethings getting their happy hour on, all around you.

Pier 66 Maritime
New York, NY 10001
(212) 989-6363
fryingpan.com

Quinoa Salad

Fish and Chips

Lobster Roll

Cheeseburger

Perla Café makes a truly wonderful burger and a truly awful shrimp salad. Remember that, it will be a on a quiz later.

A few of my besties had just flown into town to help me celebrate my 40th birthday and one of the first (of many) food related stops we made was for lunch at Perla Café.

The lunch menu is sparse, to say the least. Nothing sounds very inspired. Nothing leap out of the page, gives you a proper slap in the face and shouts “Order me, bitch!”

The Brunch and Dinner menus are definitely where the fun is. There may be a few things that might slap you in the face, be warned.

The burger, as I had mentioned before was just wonderful. It comes with a delightful herb mayo and TATOR TOTS! For such a posh, elegant atmosphere, I really didn’t expect tots. Some kind of frites, perhaps. The tots were DELICIOUS and immediately devoured.

The Shrimp Salad was….flavorless…saltless..pointless. Did it even come with a dressing? Maybe just gross shrimp moisture.

It was like the owners only knew one thing for certain before opening Perla Café. And it involved the absolute necessity of having a Shrimp Salad somewhere on the menu, God dammit!

234 W 4th St
New York, NY 10014
b/t 10th St & Charles St
West Village
Phone number (212) 933-1824
perlanyc.com

CHICKEN
WHOLE-ROASTED FOR TWO: FOIE GRAS, BLACK TRUFFLE & BRIOCHE ACCOMPANIED BY RAMPS, LEEKS & POTATO ECRASE
89

I would be an a**hole to write a list of general complaints I have with fine dining establishments. Talk about First World Problems!

“The service was simply TOO prompt!”

“Upon my return from the bathroom, my napkin was refolded into an unpleasing shape!”

That being said, I’ll still be an a**hole and talk about one major pet peeve.

Why does the ritual of the servers laying down fresh cutlery have to be so achingly awkward??

No matter what fascinating subject matter I’m embroiled in with my fellow diner, once the waiter arrives with his trusty box of the kind of cutlery I’ll never splurge on, I abruptly halt all conversation as if the school principal just caught me with a cigarette!

I then hang my head in shame and utter not a word until the last shiny knife has been placed on the table.

I fully understand that a Michelin starred restaurant can’t let some dirty ass forks just chill out on their neatly pressed linens, but can’t we come up with an alternative?

I love the current trend of water bottles being left at the table so diners can guzzle to their heart’s delight.

And at your local BBQ joint, containers of all the napkins and cutlery you can hide in your jacket are at our disposal.

At fancy establishments you’re paying mostly for service. When you hand over $25 bucks for a few pieces of grilled romaine, you’re paying $24.50 for someone’s pretentious description of the lettuce and .50 cents for the actual produce.

At the start of the meal, you are presented with a incredible loaf of spring onion and potato bread. You’ll tell yourself you’ll just have one slice. Don’t even bother wasting your breath. You’ll eat the whole damn thing. It’s SO good.

The cocktails were wonderful. No tiny vintage glasses filled with two sips of weak, esoteric Italian liqueurs. These were boozy and significant.

Tonight, we focused on the specialty of the house. The famous roast chicken.

Now, this isn’t just your average rotisserie bird; hypnotically rotating and dripping torturously in front of you behind a grease splattered window like a culinary peep show.

This is truly pampered fowl. This chicken got a 2 hour massage with a happy ending before it came to your table.

You are presented with the full, untouched poultry ahead of time. Presented in all it’s glistening nude glory.

Then, they take it away and bring it back in two shifts.

First, you each get your own boob. The skin is dark and crispy and underneath is the magic. A layer of brioche bread crumbs mixed with foie gras and black truffle.

This chicken is truly the best I’ve ever had. Chicken this majestic needs a better name. Like squab is a fancy word for pigeon. Chicken needs it’s own highfalutin word! (Is highfalutin even a word??)

The next round is this wonderful casserole made with the shredded dark meat. I didn’t enjoy this as much as the breast, but it was still devoured gladly.

We started with a very light appetizer of Hamachi. While it’s pretty and tasty, it’s a bit steep at $25 and really almost like eating nothing. May as well ask for another loaf of the onion potato bread! “I don’t care if it’s only one loaf per table!!” you’ll shout at your server.

You’ll then be asked to quietly leave. When you refuse, they’ll offer you a loaf to shut you up. Stick with me folks, I know all the tricks.

1170 Broadway & 28th St
New York, NY 10001
Flatiron
(212) 796-1500
thenomadhotel.com

The cocktails were boozy perfection

BLINKER
RYE WHISKEY, ISLAY SCOTCH, GRAPEFRUIT, LIME, RASPBERRY

BEER COLLABORATIONS
WITH BROOKLYN BREWERY
‘LE POULET’: A BELGIAN-INSPIRED BROWN ALE THAT HAS BEEN CRAFTED BY GARRETT OLIVER OF BROOKLYN BREWERY TO ACCOMPANY THE NOMAD ROASTED CHICKEN (12oz DRAUGHT) – $8 Each

BROADWAY
RYE WHISKEY, VERMOUTH DI TORINO, BONAL, CYNAR, MARASCHINO LIQUEUR
17

Complimentary Spring Onion and Potato Bread

HAMACHI
MARINATED WITH KOMBU, BEETS & WASABI *
25

CHICKEN
WHOLE-ROASTED FOR TWO: FOIE GRAS, BLACK TRUFFLE & BRIOCHE ACCOMPANIED BY RAMPS, LEEKS & POTATO ECRASE
89

Each chicken breast was sliced off and served individually with grilled ramps.

The dark meat made into a chicken casserole of sorts.

Double Royale – $16
2 dry-aged 1/4 lb patties, lettuce, tomato, fromage americain, big max sauce

I had spotted a pic of a Church Street Tavern burger on Instagram and it was all over from there. I had to try it.

I finally did, a few months later, and wasn’t disappointed. But wasn’t overjoyed, either.

It was a solid burger. Nothing bad, but nothing amazing either. Definitely nothing about this place that is worth going on and on about.

So, I won’t.

If you’re in the area, need a quick, unpretentious place to get some grub in your big ass belly, you could do worse than Church Street Tavern.

However, you could certainly do better.

ACCORDING TO YELP, THIS PLACE IS CLOSED!

Manhattan – $16

Spicy Margarita – $16

Tavern Fries – $7
Tempura Pickles – $6

Eggplant Parm – $14

The Original Tavern Burger – $16
our dry-aged “CST” blend, bacon-onion jam, aged cheddar, and arugula on a toasted brioche bun

The Wellington – $18
mushroom duxelles, foie butter, cheesy pastry crisp

Thanks to the ever changing weather in NYC, planning rooftop adventures can be challenging.

The last time I made a reservation at STK, it ended up raining, so we cancelled.

This time, it was hot as hell. I refused to cancel. I don’t care how hot it was, we were going to enjoy this damn rooftop, even if we left drenched in sweat and nearly die of whatever it is when someone dies in a hot car.

The one thing I was immediately struck by (besides the fact that we had to climb several flights of stairs in this heat to get to the roof) was how friendly everyone was. I guess

As every New Yorker knows, rooftops here are a scene. They’re a breezy nightclub filled to the brim with people you don’t want to be around.

However, if you really need an outdoor drinking and dining fix, come to these places at Brunch. They often are quite easy to score a ressie at and are less likely to be filled with the unsavory youth I was just mentioning.

I wasn’t expecting much when it came to the food (drinks were pricey and went down too quickly) it was a bit overpriced (which is to be expected, you’re paying a premium to eat your eggs whilst staring at a portion of a few ugly buildings with the wind at your back and the sun on your precancerous face.

The steak was my favorite and those massive Lincoln log fries were quite nice too. Kind of like me, those fries NEVER cooled down. Even the last, lonely fry was as molten hot as the first one.

26 Little W 12th St
New York, NY 10014
b/t Washington St & 9th Ave
Meatpacking District, West Village
(646) 624-2444
stkhouse.com

26 Little W 12th St
New York, NY 10014
United States
b/t Washington St & 9th Ave
Meatpacking District, West Village
(646) 624-2444
stkhouse.com

Truffle Fries

Tuna Tartare
avocado – soy honey emulsion – taro chips

Chicken Sausage Benedict
poached eggs – d’espelette hollandaise

STK Signature Lil Burgers*
caramelized onions – aged cheddar – special sauce

STK and Eggs
grilled skirt steak – 2 eggs – STK sauce

I didn’t go to any Memorial Day BBQ’s because of one simple reason.

I hate them.

Oh, and I wasn’t invited to any.

Oh, and I hate all of you (for not inviting me to any BBQ’s that I would have hated to go to).

Being someone with social anxiety, the very worst two words you could say to me would be “house party”. With the exception of “You’re coming with me to a house party, no excuses. I don’t care who died.”

When you say “house party” I think “Stranger Danger”. Attending these functions means you are trapped in a tiny, extremely hot environment where you are forced to gulp down multiple random cocktails in order to complete full sentences to people you don’t know. I use the word “cocktails” loosely as I really mean whatever beverage you’re able to fashion together with whatever motley crew of booze bottles are to be found strewn about the kitchen table. Grape Soda and bottom shelf tequila seem to be omnipresent.

BBQ usually means outside. Which could, essentially mean fresh air. So, one excuse down the drain? Not so fast! I lived in LA for 14 years, this means outside in the sweltering heat and smog-choked air! Add that to the copious amounts of grill smoke I’d be inhaling and it’s a emergency room visit waiting to happen. Do you even know how high my deductible is?? Some friend you are.

I celebrated this Memorial day by hopping down to one of the Pier’s that was hosting the USS Bataan for NYC’s famous Fleet Week to tour the ship and then seek out some sort of grilled meat to fill that BBQ party-less hole.

Luckily, just a few blocks away from Pier 88 was 44 & X (which is located conveniently on 44th and 10th Ave).

This place just screams many things. Brunch, outdoor dining, “Hey Sailor!” were just some of them.

The outdoor seating area was completely covered, which was much appreciated on this balmy almost-summer’s day. The server was friendly with just a touch of bitchy.

The prices are just a few bucks higher than neighboring dining options, but you’re paying for really great food and really great ambiance.

And I got my grilled meats! Hey Sailor!

The burger was exactly what I wanted. Perfectly cooked (was not in the mood for a pink center and didn’t get one) and a nice BBQ-grill-char on the outside. Burgers so rarely have a char on them. Damn anti-carcinogen fanatics!

It was the perfect, unpretentious burger in a semi-pretentious atmosphere.

The complimentary bucket of mini muffins were also not lost on me. We consumed the entire bucket and was even handed a second bucket without having to request it!

You can keep your BBQ parties, with your painful small talk and poisonous hot dogs. I’ll gladly pay good money for an hour where no one talks to me except to ask if I want more drinks. Even if the special of the day is Grape Tequila Surprise, the answer will be yes. Just set the drink down and walk away.

622 10th Ave
New York, NY 10036
b/t 44th St & 45th St
Hell’s Kitchen, Midtown West
(212) 977-1170
44andx.com

scrambled eggs, wild mushrooms,
smokehouse bacon and herb toast
$16

44 & X hamburger, English muffin,
crispy fries and garlic pickle
$15

Want to know a shocking truth? Carnegie Deli is kind of really bad.

I didn’t think so, at first. At first, I quite enjoyed my pastrami as a newbie New Yorker.

But then, I came back a few years later. As a real New Yorker.

Not good, folks….and I only have myself to blame.

To be honest, I didn’t order the Pastrami this time. That could just be my bad. Maybe ONLY come here for the pastrami.

Here are the facts:

1. The place is a tourist trap

2. The pickles are boring

3. Service is crappy

4. Our waiter was so slow and old, I was expecting a replacement to come up to us halfway through our meal to announce his sudden death.

5. The egg salad sandwich was, perhaps, one of the worst sandwiches I’ve ever had. The egg salad had zero flavor, the bread was dry and each bite squirted every last bit of egg salad in any direction except in my mouth.

6. It’s really expensive

7. They charge you extra to split an overpriced pastrami sandwich with someone!

8. The cheesecake is amazing!

9. Ok, fine. Come for the pastrami (after payday) and the cheesecake and it won’t be the worst decision you could make.

854 7th Ave
New York, NY 10019
b/t 55th St & 54th St
Midtown West
(212) 757-2245
carnegiedeli.com

Egg Salad Sandwich

Matzo Ball Soup