Blue Smoke is a pricey, corporate BBQ joint at the north end of Flatiron (basically Midtown) and it’s not bad, all things considered.

But that’s not where the story is.

The story happens AFTER dinner, on my way home.

When I was attacked!

Now, as every New Yorker knows, you bump into a lot of people during your daily journey on foot.

Sometimes you bump into people harder than you had intended to. I mean, sometimes I smash pretty hard into an unsuspecting tourist embarrassing themselves with a selfie stick and almost felt bad about it….almost.

Bumping and getting bumped is a New York pastime. Especially in the crowded subways. Or when someone is in your way. Or owns children.

So, for all the times I had almost knocked someone over, I guess you could say I had it coming.

Which is when I bumped into the wrong person…

I had just gotten off the E Train on 23rd street when I tried to scoot around someone and VERY GENTLY bumped into someone. I’m actually not exaggerating. This was a time when I didn’t even realize I had bumped into anyone!

I believe Dean Martin was crooning “Baby, it’s cold outside” sweetly into my ear drums when, suddenly, I felt a great explosion on the right side of my head and I went down like a rock, onto a few gross garbage bags.

I immediately swiveled my head around to see a very short, crazed looking man, walking haughtily away but turning around a few times to give me a “That’s what you get” look.

I had originally thought a piece of scaffolding had fallen on my head. It’s a constant fear of mine. That, and fire escape ladder’s collapsing, killing me instantly. Basically, if it could fall from the sky onto my head, I fear it.

I jumped up to my feet, my vision just starting to come back to me, and immediately continued walking on the path home. Occasionally, I would turn around, puff out my chest in an ape like fashion, give the man (who has now all but disappeared) a dirty look and a “What an a**hole!” or perhaps a less intimidating “Geez!”

Not one person stopped to see if I was all right and I suspect it was because I probably looked just as crazy as the man who hit me.

I was wearing a vintage jacket that had seen better days, which must have given me a “nearly homeless” appearance and the fact that I jumped up, as if nothing had happened, might have given onlookers the impression that I had known the guy. We must have had a previous beef or something. Maybe I had stolen that old jacket from him?

This was a situation where Karma had paid me a painful visit.

Either way, I am much more careful when I ram into strangers.

Do I still do it? Absolutely. Do I turn around to see if they’re wielding some sort of weapon (such as a fire escape ladder)? Most definitely.

116 E 27th St
New York, NY 10016
b/t S Park Ave & Lexington Ave
Flatiron
(212) 447-7733
bluesmoke.com

Making me the perfect Manhattan.

Cornbread Madeleines – $9

Pit Stop – $30
Pork Spare Ribs, Andouille Sausage, baked beans, mac and cheese.

Sweet Chick is a casual and lively fried chicken-centric restaurant and bar in the LES. Their original location in Brooklyn has been wowing folks for a while. I’m much obliged that they brought us Manhattanites our very own.

The food and vibes here are truly wonderful. The place will probably be packed, so be forewarned. It’s not just you that loves good fried chicken.

I ordered the bucket of chicken, which was all I could ever hope for in a Fried Chicken Experience. Three pieces of ultra juicy bird with a very nice crispy coating, a heavenly dense and flaky biscuit and the unusual but quite tasty collard green cole slaw. No complaints.

They offer bottles of syrup and hot sauce, so you can doctor up your chicken any way you’d like. The coating isn’t spicy or highly seasoned, so you’ll want to take advantage of those bottles.

My dining companion ordered one of several Chicken and Waffle options. Hers, the Cordon Bleu, featured fried chicken smothered in swiss cheese and ham alongside an insanely good thyme flavored waffle. When I come back (not if, when) I will probably order this.

If you want a festive fried chicken experience, Sweet Chick has got you covered. And they serve hard root beer, too! It tastes so much like the real thing, it’s scary.

178 Ludlow St
New York, NY 10002
b/t Houston St & Stanton St
Lower East Side
(646) 657-0233
sweetchicknyc.com

Cordon Bleu Chicken and Waffle $18
Ham and Gruyere Sauce, Gruyere and Thyme Waffle

Sweet Chick Bucket $18
3 pc Fried Chicken, Collard Slaw, Buttermilk Biscuit

Before (Meh) / After (Yay!!)

Almost every part of me wanted to like Guy’s American Kitchen & Bar.

I mean, I’m a sucker for over-the-top menu items, combining 3 dishes which are artery clogging on their own, into one monstrous Frankenstein of an abomination. I’m sold!

We had just come from the Star Wars costume exhibit next door and figured we may as well eat in Times Square, as we don’t often suffer a brain hemorrhage and think it a wise idea to venture up here.

I had read the awful reviews of this place as soon as it had opened. I wasn’t expecting much.

What I wasn’t expecting, was the desire, the need to put salt on my chili cheese fries!!

I mean, I didn’t expect anything to actually be spicy. I knew better. This restaurant was for middle America, where spicy meant more than two cranks of the pepper grinder.

But I wasn’t expecting something so horrifically high in calories to be…bland. I, at least, expected the shit to be salty!

I don’t recall being that disappointed in a long time. Not since the last time I attempted to eat a hot dog from 7-11. Don’t ask. You don’t wanna know.

I asked the waitress for some hot sauce and she told me they only had Sriracha as if that were a bad thing!

Yes, please!

I had also wanted pickled jalapenos, but I feared she would have brought me some mild, bell pepper version.

As we ate our meal (each bite, I added more and more Sriracha), we noticed that each and every single flat screen TV was playing a Guy Fieri show. Just in case we forgot who’s joint we were dining in.

The restaurant is a metropolis. It’s enormous. And the food prices make you realize just how the place is able to afford the rent. It ain’t cheap.

And if you haven’t spent enough money on the meal, you can throw some cash at a few souvenirs on your way out.

The chili fries and the burger were an embarrassing crime scene of red, by the time I was done with them, but I felt no shame in requesting a to-go box for the pasta, a dish which was actually salvageable. Thanks to the plethora of Sriracha I doused it with, in the comfort of my own home.

Somehow, I feel even Guy’s Sriracha wasn’t spicy.

220 W 44th St
New York, NY 10036
b/t Shubert Aly & 8th Ave
Theater District, Midtown West
(646) 532-4897
guysamerican.com

DRAGON CHILI CHEESE FRIES 12.95
Topped with Dragon’s Breath
Chili, sharp cheddar cheese,
diced tomatoes, scallions, sour
cream + crispy bacon bits.

Siriracha is the only reason this dish could be considered part of “Flavor Town”

Cajun Chicken Alfredo – $22.50
Cajun-spiced blackened chicken breast, white wine, sun dried tomatoes, penne + creamy parmesan sauce.

Bacon Mac n Cheese Burger – $18.50
Crispy applewood smoked bacon, creamy
four-cheese mac n cheese, all-natural
signature blend ground beef, lettuce,
tomato, onion, pickle, donkey sauce +
garlic butter on toasted brioche

The Plaza Hotel is a classic New York institution.

And the temporary resident of attempted murderer Kevin McAllister. Just read the Buzzfeed article about how that little Home Alone demon’s antics would have easily killed both of the loveable intruders.

From what I’ve read, the hotel rooms are as small as closets but that’s not what we’re here to discuss.

The Palm Court is the absolutely stunning locale for some serious high tea action. The basic tea service is $70 bucks, but the little tea sandwiches and desserts are actually enough to fill a person up.

Just eat slowly. And drink a TON of tea. Then, you’ll almost definitely (hopefully) walk away with a full belly.

You don’t have to dress up but it probably wouldn’t hurt you to put a little effort into your appearance, ya slob. Come in the winter, so your down jacket can hide the fact that you aren’t wearing (and maybe don’t own) a blazer. That’s always my trick.

Don’t expect a boozy brunch unless you got deep pockets, because a glass of champagne or a cocktail will run you about $25 smackers.

The service is…ok. Our waiter wasn’t very pleasant. Nor was he very attentive. But he wasn’t a complete asshole either. Which he could have been.

If you’re willing to pay $70 bucks for the equivalent of one full sandwich (and some quite lovely scones) you definitely deserve some sort of ill treatment.

768 5th Ave
New York, NY 10019
b/t Grand Army Plz & West 58th St
Midtown West
(212) 546-5300
theplaza.com/dining/palmcourt

Daiquiri – $25
Negroni – $25

The New Yorker Tea – $70 per person

Ok, I know the “best” Patsy’s is located in East Harlem. But I wasn’t IN East Harlem on this particular occasion. We needed to pass the time while we waited for a table at Serendipity 3 and this place was across the street.

Was it any good? Of course it was, dummy! Really good, actually. Also, even bad pizza is good pizza, so lay off me, ok?

The crust is on the thicker side, so more people can share a pie. The three of us shared one large pepperoni and were totally satiated.

That being said, we did have frozen hot chocolates to look forward to, so we did have to leave a smidgen of space in our bloated bellies.

Since that damned tourist trap, Serendipities, always has a long wait for a table, I would suggest putting your name on their list, coming to Patsy’s for your meal and coming back for dessert.

61 W 74th St
New York, NY 10023
b/t Columbus Ave & W Central Park
Upper West Side
http://patsyspizzerianewyork.com/

Serendipity 3 is a little girl’s dream. Pink, purple, flowers and butterflies. It’s almost too much. Sorry, I mean, it IS too much. But, I guess that’s the appeal.

If you’re in the mood for tourists, a long wait and a Princess Vomit motif, Serendipity 3 is the place for you.

Just don’t be in the mood to eat. Not a meal, at least. Come for the frozen hot chocolate. Order nothing else.

The frozen hot chocolate is just a big, gross, delicious, obese kind of ice cream sundae. I really wasn’t expecting to be as impressed but these abominations are EFFING GOOD!! Seriously, they’re SO good.

There are several flavors to choose from. If you’re with a group, everyone should order a different flavor. Not that anyone will actually finish their own (and if they do, they’ll be sorry) But you’re given multiple straws so everyone can taste everyone else’s without fear of cooties.

The salted caramel was a little too sweet. Ok, it was crazy sweet. It’s still delicious, but don’t order it yourself. Make your friend order it so you can try it. They’ll regret it instantly, but why should you have to suffer and lose out on a taste? Survival of the Fittest!

Our wait this evening was about an hour. So, we walked across the street to Patsy’s Pizzeria, ate dinner and then came back in time for dessert.

I shudder to think how many calories each FHC contains. It’s enough for several lifetimes, I’m sure. Come here right before you diet. Or maybe your final meal before you turn yourself in to the authorities for some awful crime. No matter what heinous thing you did, you still deserve a tasty final meal.

225 E 60th St
New York, NY 10022
b/t 3rd Ave & 2nd Ave
Upper East Side
(212) 838-3531
serendipity3.com

There are a lot of cute (read: tiny) eateries in NYC. I get it. Rent is expensive, real estate is hard to come by.

But tiny usually means, no seating. Which is annoying, unless you’re serving a truly portable meal.

Gourmet burgers are not the type of food one walks around eating. Face covered in aioli, fresh arugula stuck in your teeth.

The Black Tap location in Soho had received complaints about being too small with limited seating and that problem has appeared to have been resolved with the opening of the much larger Meatpacking location. Well, they call it Meatpacking, but it’s actually the West Village.

Even here, I can see how the space is not used as efficiently for seating, but as long as you don’t come during peak hours, you should be fine.

Everything we tried was really, really good. Having tried nearly ever famous local burger, I’m under the firm belief the NYC will never produce a burger that will blow my socks off. Those burgers all come from Cali.

That being said, these burgers are really, really good. Oh, I’ve already said that.

The patty is juicy, not too thick. The bun is super soft, squishy and plain (my preference) and the cheese and toppings compliment, not overpower. And I can actually eat it with my hands. No fork and knife required.

The crispy Brussels sprouts (or any premium side) can replace your default side of French fries for an additional $2. Totally worth it.

They have some really good local beers on tap. But make sure to save room for a milkshake. Because you’re already eating a week’s worth of calories, you fat ****, why not go for Gold!

Milkshakes are essentially an entire pint’s worth of melted ice cream, which you consume in just a few minutes. It’s a highly efficient way of consuming 800 calories in no time.

Black Tap: inefficient seating yet quote efficient artery clogging.

248 W 14th St
New York, NY 10011
b/t 7th Ave & Avenue Of The Americas
West Village
(212) 675-7236
blacktapnyc.com

Crispy Brussels Sprouts – $7

the mexico city | 16
pepperjack cheese, jalepenos, chipotle mayo & crispy onion ring

the lamb burger – $17

Oreo Cookies & Cream Milkshake – $7

Balthazar was my first nice restaurant in NYC. I had first dined here with two friends for the 2004 NYC Marathon, and was instantly entranced and bewitched. Ok, I’m being melodramatic. It was really neat. Howa ’bout that?

This place epitomizes Paris (I think). Even if it doesn’t, it should. It’s just gorgeous inside. Like Paris in the 1930’s. Or whatever. I’ve never been. Just go with me on this.

Balthazar has my 3rd favorite burger in NYC. It’s really simple and really delicious. FYI, my 1st favorite burger is at Emily and my 2nd favorite is at Saxon + Parole in the Bowery.

Another thing I always order here (besides the absolutely perfect Manhattan) is the chicken liver and foie gras mousse. It comes with onion jam and little toasts and the flavors are just out of this world.

I think Balthazar is NYC’s most beloved and popular restaurant. Not counting the super expensive Michelin star, $400 per person places. Balthazar is everyman’s fancy restaurant. I mean, it’s not cheap by any means. You’ll have to save up your shekels.

Upon exiting, I was chided by an employee “Sorry sir, there are no photos allowed. You can take pictures of yourself. Just not of the restaurant”. Instead of brazenly continue taking my final photo, I decided to be polite, drop my iPhone sheepishly to my side and leave with my head hung low, as if a store detective had caught me shoplifting and asked that I never return!

A silly rule, but one I can forgive, considering how truly great this place is. And as the stern employee who scolded me advised, they do apparently encourage selfies.

80 Spring St
New York, NY 10012
b/t Crosby St & Broadway
SoHo
(212) 965-1414
balthazarny.com

Bowl of COffee

Champagne Pick-Me-Up – Champagne, V.S. Cognac, Orange Juice and Grenadine – $16

CHICKEN LIVER AND FOIE GRAS MOUSSE with red onion confit and grilled country bread – $18.00

Steak Tartare (small) $21

Balthazar Cheeseburger

Months before I set foot inside the hallowed halls of Brooklyn’s most popular pizza joint, Lucali, I had done a ton of research. Scrolling through 100 reviews on Yelp is research, ok?

Anyway, I thought I had learned all I needed to know before my first visit. Untrue. Why couldn’t one person have written a comprehensive, all-you-need-to-know review and saved me some time??

Ok, here it is. In bullet point form:

1. Lucali is crazy, awful, horrifically, intensely popular and the wait times will take your breath away. All just for pizza.

2. Cash Only

3. BYOB – No corkage fee, which is nice. And helps keep the total bill down.

4. Opens at 6 pm, ever day except closed on Tuesdays. They start taking names down at 5 pm. HOWEVER: If you want to be included in the first seating, you should get there by 4:00-4:15 pm.

5. We arrived at exactly 4:45 pm on Saturday. I would say about 15-20 people ahead of us. By the time we got to the lady taking names, we were informed we’d be in the 3rd seating, around 8:00 PM!!!! Basically, unless you’re Beyoncé and Jay-Z, you’re going to wait two hours for a table, regardless.

6. They will take your phone number and call you (NOT TEXT) when your table is ready. So, keep that in mind, if you’re doing shots in some loud as hell bar. If you miss the call, you’re off the list. Probably. We didn’t miss the call, so who the hell knows. Just assume the worst.

7. There are plenty of eateries and bars in the area to pass the time. We headed to Bar Bruno, a casual but semi-upscale Mexican (sorta) eatery with a tasty selection of Micheladas. Sat next to the British chick from the TV show “Girls”. You’ll need to imbibe something lower in alcohol content, if you want to avoid being trashed and missing the callback from the restaurant.

8. We ended up getting called at 7:30 pm.

9. The restaurant is very quaint, very dark and on the smaller side. Most of the lighting is by candle, which creates a very nice ambiance. Would make a fantastic (albeit, lengthy) first date place. The guys make the pizzas out in the open, which is fun to watch. The night’s featured toppings are lovingly displayed next to antique candleholders. The scene is almost painfully charming.

10. They don’t have a menu. The only serve two things, a pizza and a calzone. The calzone comes in two sizes. Large is the full length of the servers arm, the small is half the length. We chose small. They may serve other special things on other nights, but not when we were there. The server will tell you tonight’s available toppings, which are $2.75 each, I believe. The total cost of our bill (before tip) was $50 even.

11. Make sure you order at least one calzone. They’re amazing. Not bready and doughy at all. The crust is super thin and whatever ingredients you choose, are enveloped in a thick amount of ricotta.

12. The pizzas are thin and airy, a little chewy but still crispy. Not super soft and chewy like typical Neapolitan pizzas. They come with a plate of extra sauce and cheese, which you can dip your crusts into, as they are generally unsauced.

13. You definitely feel very special eating here. Like being invited into some lovely person’s medieval home for a cozy, intimate dinner. Yes, you made the cut. You’re part of the in-crowd. No, Beyoncé and Jay-Z still will not speak to you. They will always have a better table than you. They were invited first. You’re just a friend of a friend of a relative. In fact, how did you get invited, again??

575 Henry St
Brooklyn, NY 11231
b/t Carroll St & Summit St
Carroll Gardens
(718) 858-4086
http://www.lucali.com/

SECOND VISIT – SEPTEMBER 2017

Carnegie Deli, located across the street from Benash, is currently closed. That’s really the only reason we decided to eat here.

Only AFTER dining here, did I discover that the place has only 1.5 stars on Yelp. Oops. Sorry, out of town guests for taking you to a dud. I’m fired.

That being said, I would actually bump up the rating to 3 stars. Well, maybe 2.5. The bacon on the BLTA sandwich looked mighty grey. Plus, they forgot the T. And overcompensated with a ton of L. Whatever you do, do NOT order that S. I mean, sandwich. Unless grey bacon appeals to you.

I didn’t try the Matzo Ball Soup but my friend seemed to enjoy it.

My pastrami sandwich was certainly the least impressive pastrami I’ve ever had in NYC. But it was still tasty and I ate every bite. It’s not the ginormous sandwich that you’ll find at Katz or Carnegie, you can actually eat an entire sandwich yourself and still maintain a little dignity.

The cheesecake was very good. Not as good as Carengie but I couldn’t think of a single thing wrong with it.

The service was spotty and my Sex on the Beach cocktail was pretty bad.

Basically, don’t come here.

Go to Carnegie Deli, instead.

857 7th Ave
New York, NY 10019
b/t 54th St & 55th St
Midtown West
(212) 265-1818

Sex on the Beach

Pastrami Sandwich

BLTA

Strawberry Cheesecake